Everyone’s got it.
Some not as bad as others, but, everyone knows what it feels like.
I happen to have it really bad.
Whether it’s anxiety over something big, or something as little as going to the grocery store praying that my child doesn’t scream throughout the isles so I can get my shopping done. I have it.
And nothing triggers it more than situations where I can’t get out of.
I’ve let my anxiety ruin a lot of my life. Especially important things, like my pregnancy and my Lillian’s birth.
I had terrible pregnancy problems which put me on bedrest for most of my pregnancy, and made it to where I couldn’t even go back to my husband who lived in Austin, making us separated for 6 months.
All of the stress of living with my parents, away from my husband, pregnant and scared for our baby really triggered my anxiety, and there was nothing I could really take for it…I had to cope. And it was a huge struggle.
Then came Lillian’s birth. I was so scared.
Terrified of becoming a new mother, hoping I’d do a good job.
Scared about the c-section.
Scared she’s come out struggling and not screaming.
I was just scared.
I was so anxious, in fact that I was shaking. Violently.
My spinal block wouldn’t take after a million tries, and they put me to sleep, resulting in me not being able to see my sweet being born. A moment I’ll never get back. EVER. And it makes me sad.
After she was born, I’d get anxious when she’d cry. Anxious I couldn’t sleep because she didn’t want to sleep.
I’d want to rip my hair out after I would rock her to sleep, lay her ever so gently, and army crawl back into bed, praying and praying and praying that she didn’t wake up. Or that me pulling the covers over my body wouldn’t wake her.
And then Brandon would cough or roll over. BAM. She was awake.
I learned to let the little things roll off my shoulders.
The house DIDN’T have to be spotless. I could nap when she napped.
So what the dishes weren’t done.
So what I hadn’t showered in 2 days.
Who cares of the laundry was put up? I’d cuddle my baby and learn to not sweat the small things.
And to this day I still battle with my anxiety.
Up until a few short weeks ago, Lillian would scream anywhere we went. She’d scream if anyone else held her besides me.
She screamed all the time. It was so hard not to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry.
But I knew that this phase would pass, and it has. At times the changeling will come and bring my old baby back, but this new baby that is happy all the time, that laughs, that plays and that likes going places and looking at things; I completely adore her. (I adored the other Lillian too, I just wanted to rip my hair out at times.)
I’ve learned that being a mommy is more than changing diapers, wearing spit-up like it’s an accesory and pushing a stroller around. It’s about patience. Time. Learning. And letting the small things roll off, and to enjoy the days I have with my sweet Dove, for she’s growing way too fast and not doing the same thing twice.
(cutest butt ever/tummy time)
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.