Struggling with my self image.

Lately, I’ve gotten really into my body and how much I hate it.
I wasn’t stick thin when I got pregnant with Lillian, but I wasn’t fat either. I was happy.
Fast forward 7 months of bedrest and being pregnant with an almost 9lb baby, and well, I gained 60 pounds. I lost 30 right after I gave birth. Water weight, breast feeding, I don’t know. The giant kid they cut out of me, who knows. Since then, almost 2 years after having her I’m still struggling with that last 30 (I want 40 gone.)
I’ve battled depression, anxiety, my body changing, stretch marks and no sleep. That’s a lot to take on within a year. (I know, it’s been almost 2 now, but my kid is high maintenance and doesn’t sleep.)
Anyways, I’ve decided recently to get back to my Pre-baby body, and I’m really trying. I’m on a strict low calorie diet, and I’ve been running 1-2 miles daily.
It feels good to be down 7 pounds, but I’ve noticed I’ve been obsessing over it.
Unhealthy obsession. I took Lillian to McDonald’s the other day to play, I ate a kids meal but wanted to shake myself for eating that unhealthy! And calories! So many!.

Today I’m stepping back and looking at how much I’ve lost. It’s ok to have a treat once a week, and to take a break from running (Yesterday) and just spend time with my family. It was nice. I’m losing slowly, but surely. But I need to quit obsessing and love my body for making a beautiful, healthy, smart child. And also to realize its been through the ringer with my hormones and everything else.
So, body, I love you and I’m sorry. I’m proud of you for carrying a child, and you’ve done we’ll. we’re getting back to our old selves, just slower.

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