My moods have been off lately. I’ve been feeling pointless, tired and just unhappy. I’m so into motherhood I feel like in the past two and a half years I’ve lost myself. Who I used to be. Yes, that changes into who I am now. So who am I now? I pdon’t know.
It’s been stressing me out. I mop the floor, do the laundry and dishes. Feed and raise a human. Feel like I fail at times. Succeed at others. I’m so happy to stay home and raise my daughter, so do I want more kids? Do I want a job? Do I want both?
I dropped out of college when I shouldn’t have. I was so tied up in Brandon, being married and wanting a family that I pushed it all too soon. I wish I could go back to my 19 year old self and say, “slow down.”
I was so into writing for the newspaper. Photo taking and editing was my jam. I miss it. I miss being social.
But. I’d miss my baby even more. I’ve been contemplating on whether or not to go apply at a couple of small, local daycares. Lillian could go part time with me.. We’d both breathe on our own for a couple hours, couple times a week. I’ve had teaching experience and worked with kids since forever. I just don’t know.
I know I’d miss waking up and cuddling in bed with her. (We never have anywhere to be, rushing would feel stressful.) we wouldn’t have lunch together at the kitchen table. She’d make friends and grow even more before my eyes.
We both need to grow. I’m just not sure how to.. If anyone has ever been in this situation, I need advice. Wisdom. Positive energy. Whatever.
I’m being pulled in two directions. I just feel like something’s missing. A job. A baby. A hobby.
As for Lillian, she’s still my wild and won’t ever slow down. Not even for a second. Would I really want to miss these things?