On saying no and letting go.

The past few months have whirled by. I actually feel like I haven’t had a real chance to breathe or relax. Sometimes life is the best when its fast, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit worn out and wanting it to slow down.
We’re at the age where defiance is great, and my patience is thinning. Whoever said two was hard was a liar, because three is literally kicking my ass.
This fun, imaginative little wild child has become all of those things, multiplied. And, add on some attitude and fit throwing and you’ve got her in a nutshell. Aside from the hard days, I still miss her when I lay my head down.
Some days I spend looking at the clock wanting the day to be over, and a fresh start. I always hit the pillow wishing I had done something differently, acted differently, hugged her more. Told her I loved her more.
In the heat of the day those thoughts seem to fade and I find myself clinging to my sanity at times.
Now, keep in mind not all days are like this. Some days are so perfect that they’re golden. But some days, yeah, those days are hard. And I have got to tell myself that those are the days i’ll remember. I’ll look back and wish I had been more patient, understanding and calm. I’m trying. I really am. I’m new to this stage in her life and well, I feel bad because she’s my first child. I’m sure my next kid will be able to scream at me and I’ll probably just walk past it and brush it off.
We’re so in tune with each other. She feels my frustration and I feel hers. She’s 3. Only 3. Just still a baby. I get it in my head that because she’s so smart and strong willed that she’s older. Just 3.
I really hope that other mothers feel this failure at times.
I’m trying.
I’m loving.
Everyday is a new day.

As for life, it goes on. We can only get better. Aside from all of this- life is perfect. Lillian’s finally mastered bike riding. She does so much on her own. She’s a big girl. But still 3. Just 3.
I guess that’s all I’ve got to write about. Some thoughts. I’m actually on my comptuer and not my phone, so words seem to flow easier when typing than texting.
Life. Ah, sweet life. You’re a roller coaster ride.

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