Feeling anxious, a novel. (30 weeks)

My whole life I’ve always been anxious. Since I’ve been a kid, it’s always been a thing. As hassle. A part of me. Since I’ve been older, married and had a baby(s), it’s gotten worse. I’m on medication for it- but nothing ever rids you if your anxiety. 

It’s a battle I deal with daily. It’s different everyday. Some mornings it’s just the thought of getting out of bed, Lillian up, both of us dressed and out the door by 7:30 am. 
Some nights it’s going to bed with too much on my mind, racing and preventing sleep. 
During the mid-day it’s usually my to-do lists. This is my biggest downfall. I feel like there is never enough time in the day to get things done. There is always something. I will clean and clean for hours, and finally sit down.. Only to see play-doh scraps stuck in the carpet or mud on the tile I just mopped. 
I know being an adult, mother and wife your job is never done. But the days of daunting laundry, dishes and constant shit that piles up over a span of 10 minutes gets to me. 
I turn into a monster.. Wanting things done. It’s awful, and I wish I could just sit the hell down and not mind the crackers Lillian is eating on the couch getting everywhere. But I can’t. For the love of me and no matter how high I up my dosage for Zoloft. I cringe. 

So, here’s to battling this constant battle. Which has gotten worse since I’m almost 8 months pregnant and can’t beast mode clean my house like I used to. My body contracts and tells me to sit down after 15 minutes of housework/anything. So I’m listening to it- keeping the baby snug until she’s ready. But it’s hard. It’s so, so hard. 
I will wait patiently… But my OCD / anxiety and nesting mode is on high alert, so everyone beware. 
Anyway, this face ^ and the face below make it all worth it; always. 

Oh my God this yawning squish. She wouldn’t be still- had hiccups the ENTIRE  time, and had her eyes open looking at us! She’s so much more wilder (in the womb) than Lillian ever was. Let’s just hope she slows her role when she comes out! 8ish more weeks my baby bee! 


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