In this season of motherhood:

Being a mommy has always been something I’ve wanted to do. From watching my mom raise us all, I knew all I really wanted from a young age was to do what she did. My sisters and I are all 4-5 years apart. My last sister is 12, so I’ve seen my mom change with kids each time too. My children will be 5 years apart as well (I didn’t plan it that way though.) Growing up id play Legos or babies and make myself have 7 kids. All old, Victorian names. I’ve always wanted a big family. I come from one.


Then came lillian. With her, my pregnancy was hard. Bedrest the entire time. So many scares. So many doctors appointments. Nothing seemed to go right. My c-section was traumatizing, and she came out just as she is; wild and screaming. Not much has changed since her first day of birth. She’s still a complete wildcard. You never know how her mood will be, or how she will react to anything and anyone. Some days she’s so amazingly cheerful and other days she’s as moody and unpredictable like the wind. She’s my first. My difficult first child. She put a hault on plans of other children for a while because I knew mentally I couldn’t do it. (And physically) now that she’ll be five in a few days and a big sister in a few short weeks, I feel semi-ready for this change. This new season in our lives. 

My only fear is for my Lillian Rose. Change is so hard for her. She takes things so strongly, so fiercely, I’m worried that she will be sad, or feel forgotten. She’s been having a difficult time with me going to the hospital when I have the baby. The baby she’s excited about, but the everyday question of, “mama,how long will you be gone? Mama, is your stomach going to hurt? I’m going to miss you.” With tears coming down her little freckled face. Her OCD has become a little on the “severe” side the past two months and I’m putting it up to her anxiety. The only way she can handle the stress and change that’s about to come is to try to control things she can in her little mind. Coming from parents with OCD- I’m patient, extremely sad and trying my damn best to be a solid rock for her. I love her. So much. I can’t even express it. 
I hope that when the time does come for my c-section, I’ve prepared her enough for her to be at ease. I worry for her, my little worried baby. 

*Anyway, we’re here at home with croup (her) and she’s on her second nap which is completely out of character for her. My heart breaks when she’s sick. I’m enjoying the cuddles though and the easy going of our afternoon and evening. I’m hoping tomorrow is a better day for us both. 


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